The Door of No Return...

I wake up one morning

It is so sudden like rising from the dead

A tingly feeling near my knee woke me up

I watch as they lick at my wounds undisturbed

I used to feel and understand pain

But it is not the same anymore

I can barely lift my hand to wave the flies away

A confetti around my wound, like a big black blanket

I find myself with a smile that ends at the sides with a twitch

This feels like love all together, just a different kind

I am staring at cuffed hands

Legs chained to heavy metals, in a corner

The room is tiny, enough for one

It is all dark and one large window

I do not need the light, just air

When I stretch my leg I can feel the walls

Heavy, many years of sustainability

I wonder how many souls have been here

The door is made of metals within and wood outside

There are no crevices left to the side

And a stagnant silence surrounds it

I can only hear the shuffling of feet from a faint distance

Maybe it is the rodents racing around at free will

Making rounds at the dry stains of blood covering my feet

The Door of No Return...

I wallow in my own insecurities

A captive of my own depression

And I have sunk so deep in this cult

It is like an oath I must have sworn

I promise myself to walk away ever day

But I fail terrible as soon as the thought is at mind

So I slump into the earthen floor, with heavy stench

A mix of urine and human waste, now a perfect floor

I lay my wasted body on the cold brick walls

And choke into my own sorrows

I have absorbed so much pain in my bloodstream

It runs through my veins with my blood

But I have mastered an art

That of a gleaming smile, a perfected lifestyle

But within me, I grapple at my misfortunes

My inability to loosen to life

I probably do not even deserve life

I am a cannibal, so it is said

I have torn into the skins of some

Ripped out the hearts of many more

But I sit still and watch each blood drip

I sit still and watch with a glee in my eye

A twinkle of amazement compounds this

I am not moved by how they squirm as the blood spurts

No surge of emotion makes any attempt in my system

Just a little worry that I did not dig deep enough

I certainly cannot be clothing the skin of a human being

I am a wild spirit, an animal

Possessed by my illusions, obsessed with delusions

I crane my neck to hear out for anything

Any wind that may trigger the bloody juices within me

And I pick on anything and I dismantle it to nothingness

I am not stopped by blows of weighty metals

I may slip and fall but I rise to my feet as immediately

And I start it all over, all over and it is never over

I smirk at my lip when it gets torn

I grasp at my hip when it gets cracked

And as hard as my head is banged

I am undefeated, I clutch to the ground

Puff a little more and pounce right back

Pain is so normal a thing to me, it turns me on

It is so usual an object; I have it like a wall painting

I am totally unaware of whatever emotion goes with it

So I gather the last of laughter ringing in my head

As it is the best of how I can narrate my pain

And I am always on the wait for that moment

That laughter moment that tells just how much I feel

I must have lost touch with humanity

All I relate with is this sadist aura that never escapes me

All I care about is the strength within me to defend me

I spend my days and my nights in this cage

Figuring out me, planning my actions to people

I have been subdued by my own dejection

My only way of normalcy is pain

I want so bad to feel pain, it is like a drug addiction

When I cannot get it I gamble for it

I scrape through straws of lumps of hay

Scamper through discarded metals of scrape

Until I feel that emotional surge of the sweetness of pain

Yes, it feels this good to have something to whimper about

It feels like smoking one puff of pot and getting high on it

It feels like we can now talk, I am normal again

I brood over the sun as it paves way for darkness

I begin to feel a cold shudder down my spine

The pitch darkness in the room embraces me

A reminder that I am alone

That I will always be alone

Because the world cannot accommodate my kind

All wild animals are caged and padlocked so heavy

For they must be kept out of reach of humans

But some people make a joke out of bravery

They hallucinate about their capability to tame

So they pick these wilds and try to pet them

But that which started with a laugh ends with a cry

They wake up one day and the wild turns on them

Because wild animals are not fashioned to love

So they do nothing towards understanding affection

They wriggle at the touch of their skin in discomfort

Other than fight it with their claw

When too raged, they choose to use the canines

Because the bureaucracy of love is not in their system

I try to move my leg a bit

The shackles are too strong for me

I must be a very dangerous creature

It is possible that they drugged me here

They could not possibly drag me here

I might unleash my ferocity on them

So they could certainly not attempt to touch me

My valour could spill on them and harm each one

Before I get even the strand of my hair into this cage

Shut so firmly by the door of no return

You are most likely reading this

And jogging your subconscious on what I mean

I will break it down to you

I am not human, never have been since

I cannot understand my capability to narrate this

Still I did manage to pen it down this far

I am walking on hot coal, has been all my life

But it still it is difficult to let my feet get cooled

I have actually thought about working on forgiveness

But the thought of how dilapidated my life is stalls me

It tears me so much apart that my brain shuts out

Then all I see is tiny stars circling above my head

I am a fugitive of my own melancholy

I have tried with fail to talk myself out of it

Gone as far as poetry because it is supposed to heal

Painted fine artworks with perfect representations of how I feel

Composed songs of each passing moment, danced a little bit

But the excitement lasts as soon as I put my pen down

Then the depression grabs me by the neck

Ties my legs tightly in fishing ropes, tangled in fishing nets

It rocks the boat to the middle of the sea and drops me there

The helplessness makes it easier for me to sink right in and drown

And to drown I do until the sea is still again

It is probably why I love the sea

Because my spirit always sends me to the waves and tides

I am like a zombie, an apocalypse

The smell of fresh blood is like that of my mother’s fried chicken

It calls me out so loud and I cannot stop walking to it

The feeling of revenge is so much a satisfaction

I can barely see the light of change

Exhaustion must have gotten me here

Disgust must be what keeps me motivated

You probably do not understand all this

Do not bother straining yourself to until you get here

Until you wake up one day to the sound of a church bell

Calling out to your oppressors to gather in a room of worship

Built right above you, you right under them

In a dungeon, cuffed, shackled, starved, drained and remorse

They will pray for you and watch over you as you wear away

You will not understand until you wake up one morning and feel lost

Lost in your own skin, in your own thoughts, in your own beliefs

Until you wake up one night and you cannot see, but you are not blind

You cannot see what other people are seeing, you can see differently

What your eyes can see others may never get even a tinge of it

Not until they understand this apocalypse, this phase, this moment

Not until they bring themselves to how your blood tastes

When you are unable to explain why you suddenly have a brain shut down

Do not bother to try to wrap your head around this, until then

I will however leave you with a little something

Do not ever wish to get to the door of no return

Try to emancipate yourself from mental slavery

Because the cuffs will bruise your arm and make you bleed

The shackles will weaken your ankles and leave black marks

Your life will be confined in a dungeon

A small dark room, just like a cave, just like my own

I am writing with the last strength left of me

I may make it through this or,

I may succumb to it, maybe, but

I am not responsible for how you choose to take this message

But when they say you should let sleeping dogs lie

Throwing a bone at them does not make you friendly

It makes you a possible enemy, a prey to be hunted

I am in a sorry state right now

A body numb of insults and dead of pain

I have been accustomed to wild ways and dark days

I feel safest at the mouth of a sea for there lays my spirit

It was never wild until it had no choice but to be wild

The solitude state within these walls is an inexplicable magnitude

It is a perfect reminder that the east can never be west

That the north can never be south

But a justification that I will always be alone, always

At least I have a window to let in some air

I do not need light yet because it blinds my eye too much

This is the last you will hear of me

For this is my door of no return...

I am scared...

I am scared

Not because you love me

Not because you have chosen me

Not because you might disappoint me

Not because I love you

Not because I have chosen you

Not because I might disappoint you

I am scared

Because of the way you know me

Because of the way you read my mind

Because you care even when I don’t deserve

Because I may not really know you

Because I cannot really read your mind

Because I may not care in the same measure

I am scared

That after these many years

You talk to me like you know me for long

That after these many years

You still feel we can make what we couldn’t

That after these long years

You still think my beauty is as you first saw it

I am scared

Of not being able to give back as much

Of not having changed even with the gap

Of losing you like I lost myself

Of you not giving me as much

Of your life having changed since

Of never having to see you again

But I am more scared

That I may not be as fragrant as roses

That I may not be the princess in your dreams

That I may not find humour in your talk

That my view of life may not coincide with yours

That I might want to fight for myself

That I might want to protect myself from you

I am even more scared

That I may love you more than you do me

That I may hurt myself in the process

That I may spend my life nursing my wounds

That there is little you can do about this

That there is nothing you can do to help me

That I may have to live with it

I am scared

Of being myself with you

Of losing myself to you

Of committing my heart to you

I do not want to wake up one morning

And not know how I ended up here

Or why I ignored every red flag

I am scared

Because you love me

Because you have chosen me

Because you might disappoint me

Because I love you

Because I have chosen you

Because I might disappoint you