...and
I wanted so bad to know you
For
what, I am yet to know
Not
that you were any special to me
Maybe
you were, I don’t know
But
there was something about you
A
continuous nag that pushed me to you
Like
how an ant can bite the tip of your boob
And
the feeling of scratching just satisfies you
Like
how a bug sticks onto the udder of a cow
I
stuck there just sucking blood, diseased blood
Wasting
away and casting away my chances at life
Not
that I hadn’t seen better faced people
Or
people with an aura you can only dream of
I
cannot tell what struck me about you
Your
deep black hair, the colour of coal mines?
No I
didn’t like how tuft they were
When
I brushed through, my hands jammed at the ends
It
was always a painful experience
Was
it your eyes that gorged out like front car lights?
No,
they scared me but I found them gentle to my soul
Who
would not want such satisfaction?
Maybe it is your deep, raspy voice over the receiver
When you need me to lend you a couple coins
or you needed a place to put your head
There
must be something that kept me coming
Even
when you broke my nose and I spit blood
Even
when you twisted my arm and I had to bandage
Even
when you gathered my garments and threw them
Seven
storeys down and locked me out of the house
Whose
rent was paid by me without a kobo of yours
I
still came back and my friends called me foolish
My
mother thought I must be a curse and my father,
He
vowed to pound your head with his walking stick
Something
was clearly wrong with my senses
...yet
I still badly longed to know the person that was you
I
wanted to know why I was not seeing what the world was seeing
The
bastard that my friends called you
The
disgrace that my father felt I had become
The
low life that my surrounding subjected me to
Why
was I not seeing anything at all, tell me why
You
seemed perfectly how I did not want you to be
Not
in my dreams and not in my desires
But
you charmed me so bad it drove me crazy, still does
But
how can it be that a human cannot understand these things
How
can it be that one can sit so comfortably on a termite hill
The
damn animals can bite and cause you sores
How
is it that it seems so comfortable to sit on the back of a crocodile
And
trust it to give you a ride in the water and bring you back safe
Tell
me how it is because my brain cannot recollect my being
How a
Sunday morning is spent paying bail in cells all over town
Because
the law enforcers must not stop you for reckless driving
How
a Monday morning is spent paying bills in hospitals
Because
a drinking spree became a fist spree and a head was cracked
And I
still wake up the next morning and want to know you
I
have become a source of ridicule amongst my own peers
An
SI Unit of a soul headed to the dogs
I
see neighbours pull their children home at my sight
They
are warned not to be seen even looking at me
And
my uncles? The same ones that held my name so high
They
whisper it in dark rooms and clobber their children
They
mustn’t be like me for I have nothing left to show
They
mustn’t be heard talking about me
Or
they will be excommunicated from the clan
...but
still I desire to know why you have robbed me like this
Why
I can still feel your prickly beards roving around my face
Tell
me why my lips still have the taste of your lips when I smirk at them
I
want to know why my beddings still reek of your sweat several years on
And
why my palms feel as if you are holding them like you used to do
When
you would squeeze them together and promise me heaven
I
can barely stand before a mirror and see the pretty that you said I was
The pimple
you would stare at for hours, kissing and petting
Is
now a red wounded patch for the many squeezes I have given it
So
now an array of painful such black heads cover my face
And
I look like a deep fried donut with protruding bulbs of red heads
My decaying
stature before the world is a result of not understanding
Whether
my choices are the reason I am where I am now
Or
whether this curse was bound to come as the fetish priest revealed to me
Or
whether you just can never get that which you wish for
There
is a dark cloud hanging right above the roofing of my house
Not
that it symbolizes the coming of rain, but a plague
For
the ramshackle that houses my life cannot sustain even a light shower
But
that does not worry me one bit, depression is the new normal
After
all the filtered pictures on my profile do not reflect me
They
tell of a glowing face and a glossy life and that makes me feel okay
Until
you filter your own and follow with quotes that make you the angel
That
one that I thought I knew and still console myself that you are
I
hope we can talk about this soon...what makes me tickle
When
I hear a name that sounds like yours on the streets
Or
when my phone rings and I hope you have finally come to senses
Or
when you write those long motivational speeches
and
I shamelessly smile at them and hope
they are for me
Because
I imagine they are a hint that the storm will be over soon
That
I will be a societal figure looked up to like before
That
I will be the SI Unit of how life should be for everyone
That
my friends will make mighty posts of me being their WCW
The
woman they crush on daily because she has it together
And
maybe my mother will see how better my choice was from hers
The
drunk whose hands shake when not holding a brown bottle
I
still hope I will eventually understand this puzzle about you
When
it is black and white that you are not reading from my script
...yet
I still want more than anything to know you.
