This thing Love...

I still look myself in the mirror and I wonder

What is this that everyone keeps going on about love

Why does everyone have to put so much pressure on it

This thing love

I have lived a good amount of time on the surface of earth

Yet, I still find it hard to wrap my head around its existence

It disturbs me in the wake of the morning and troubles me in sleep

This thing love

Why does it have to be about a moment of pain, like

Why do I have to prove it by going through some form of pain

Can't we just laugh together and call it love

Can't we just spend hours together and call it love

Can't we just talk about our dreams and say its love

Cant we just let love not have any form of definition

This thing love

A guy walked out on me because I cannot catch grenades for him

Ridiculous! Absurd! That must have been the meanest thing

So I asked him whether his intention was for me to die

He laughed and said, if you love me you’d die for me

That was absolutely funny so I laughed my head off

I never really wanted to be like Jesus, you know

Jesus is Jesus and I am me...we cannot do the same things

Everyone says He DIED for everyone

So I turned my back and told the guy, I cannot even die for myself

I never saw even a strand of his hair after that day

So it kept me wondering about this thing love

It must come with a lot of bloodshed as it appears

This thing love

Then another took me by the shores of the lake

He said, if he fell into the waters what would I do

I rung my eye round and stopped at a group of fishermen

I responded, I would run over there and seek for help

He frowned into my face and asked, do you love me?

I nodded my head and said yes I do

Then you would follow me into the waters and rescue me

I love fantasy, imagination and creativity in life

Those must be probably the only things I love

No I would not jump into the lake with you

I want to stick around and hold the memories we have together

Someone has to stay around and do that, because that is love

That sounded more romantic than two dead bodies

None alive to tell of how a fairy tale ended in such tragedy

That was the last I saw of him

This thing love

So I am still wrapping my head around this thing love

And trying to hope that I do not become paranoid

Reality and reason is the only instance under which we live

Anything beyond that is a fairy tale or hallucination sometimes

I am still trying hoping that one day I can wake up to what love is

I have been accused of not letting go and letting love

But how can you let yourself into something you do not understand

The closest I have come to understand love

Is when I wake up to a bright sunny morning and birds chirping

Or when I wake up to rain pellets hitting the frames of my window

Sometimes when I stand by the shores of the sea and watch tides come and go

Or when I find myself in a space, serene and in solitude

Those are my moments of letting go and if that is love

Then I have probably seen love and it is nothing like people call it

I do not want to spend my life trying to prove anything

I do not want to hold myself with worry because I am not sure how to love

I do not want to dig into my skull, killing myself about how to show love

No I do not want it if it is all about torturing myself day and night

My heart can only hold onto the things that sooth it

It already carries around so much pain and regret it cannot take another

So I look into my mirror and stare at the tear going down my face

I think I have carried love for such a long time in life

Because love is about those things we see but we cannot talk about

Love is about those things we feel but we are limited to express

Love is about those things we want to share

But only with those that are under the same spell as we are in

And if love must be described as pain, then I have loved

I still love, because love is that pain you do not see with your eyes

Love is that continued misery you keep going on and on with

But the scare of its conception derails you and it clings at your sleeve

Love is that fragile moment in the hands of someone that weakens your knee

Love is giving and not hoping to receive a thank you note

Love is doing that which makes your soul happy, seeing another smile

Love is the sound of continuous musicals in the midst of every season

Love is just love and should always be love

This thing love

I may carry it for another longer period

If someone does not walk up to me and say, that is love...

The Morning After...

It is a cold July morning

A thin film of wind penetrates into the room

I am covered in heavy blankets to the head

Just enough opening left to breathe

The squared space that is my room, now empty

Was full of your laughters the nights before

But now a drenching silence culminates it

The brick walls suddenly feel like the inside of a freezer

No amount of warm clothing keeps me warm

My mind wriggles and jiggles with endless thought

I can almost see the atoms that form the light bulb

It glares back at me with a cold shoulder, something like

Do you ever listen woman?

My eyes blink a little and my face hardens

A warm tear pierces my lashes and streams down

I sit still and let the rest of it flow

It was good every night, every morning too

But not today...

I can almost hear the soft pads of your feet in the room

A tray in your hands and a million dollar smile

‘wakey wakey time for breakfast!’

I pull the blankets over my head and groan a bit

You jump into the bed and squeeze your arms around me

‘You know you look beautiful in the morning’

I open my eyes half way and wring a smile

But not today...

A tiny little hand stretches from the side of the bed

Then a head follows a jolly face and then a voice yells

‘Mama come get my breakfast’

We are just three since you last heard of us

He looks so much like you, it drains me

He has your eyes, big, wide and beautiful

He has your voice, the same one that charmed my heart

The same one that dragged me from my rambling marriage

Right through your door, into your cotton sheets and then

Towed me night after night into your loins

Then he happened!

One cold July just like today, he happened

It started with a slight headache, then no appetite ,weakness

My head felt like a whirl wind, going over and over

I checked my calendar, two weeks gone since code red

I panicked!

With my shaky feet and sweaty palms I saw the doctor

I was not sure how to take it, so i gave the news to you

Sometimes i wish you could have tried to pretend

Feign a little joy until you set your eyes on me

Then you can drop every horrid line of anger on me

‘Are you kidding me, girl you are married’

‘Just one week with me and then this’

‘I have a wedding in a month you cannot do this’

‘What will i even tell my fiancé if I may ask’

‘You have got to tell that asshole to man up’

You went on till your voice sounded like a maize milling machine

Have you ever stared at pain and laughed so hard

Have you ever spoken to pain or reasoned with pain?

But wait, have you ever bought pain a gift

Just so you can buy it off to stop torturing you

‘But you said you loved me’ that was pain talking

‘You said i only had to call’ that was pain trying

‘You said you always wanted a baby with me’

That must have been the shut down moment

For there was a sudden thunderstorm in my brain

Then a lightening that came down with heavy showers

I was soaked to heart and wet to the bone

I know you are eager to hear about the marriage

It has been three years since i used his name

He was standing by the bathroom door

Word after word he heard me say

Your drill and shrill of a voice did not escape him

When i wanted so badly for someone to hold my arm

He stood and watched as pain weakened my body

He listened every night to my apologies without talk

It tore my heart into pellets and chocked my being

I stared at my phone all day and all night

Maybe you would change your mind and call

I have waited and still I do wait for I know you will never call

Maybe some day

But not today...

I put a brave face for him because he makes me

I know someday he will understand all this

But sometimes it feels as if he already does

I love how he cuddles into the blankets with me

When he smiles it’s like twinkle little stars hang in the room

His eyes have a glow that makes being with him a flow

He warms my heart in cold nights like today

And I love to watch him sleep after reading to him

He will never be like either of you

He will not be sterile and blame it on his woman

He will not make a woman pregnant and walk away

I will teach him every little detail about love

I am not sure it ever chanced your mind to know love

I am not certain either of you had a soul or a heart

But i look forward to better days

My morning afters are different now

After days of work and watching him grow we fall asleep

Son then mama and we tuck into each other

We protect each other and love every moment of it

We wake up to better days and better choices

For lessons can only be learnt once and lived forever.

Hey you from the other end of the line...

Hey you from the other end of the line

You say you like how my lips move when i talk

You say you can touch each lip with your fingers

Flip them like you can do a piano key, note after note

You say the sound of my voice on the receiver stops you

From thinking about the last time you kissed me

To thinking about the next time our lips will be locked

May be like the how a key is turned on a lock

You create an imagination of how the whole scene will be

You will put your hand on my neck and pull me closer to you

You will try to move your lips towards me to create a connection

I will feel it and i will give it back to you, lip after lip

I may have forgotten the taste of your saliva

But does it really matter....it does not bother you either

So i will not care either as long as your lips stick with mine

Hey you from the other end of the line

You say you love how the lashes of my eyes blink when we talk

You say you love how i gaze into your eyes for long hours

You wonder what goes on in my mind when i look at you like that

It always follows with a smile, you say, lips parting in slight ends

But you wonder if it is something that you have done or

It is something that i am going to do to you...but you don’t stop me

You look right back into the dark ball that is my pupil

Then you see yourself in there and you smile too

So you stick your eye there until i lose myself to you

I can hear the ruffles of you seat as you adjust to talk

You say my eyes are like that of an eagle...they see

Then they size...then they go for what they see and they rip

Every little bit of that which they saw till it is no more

You say that is what you want me to do to you...i keep looking

Hey you from the other end of the line

You say you love the quite of the morning

I tell you i love a quite morning by the shores of the sea

You say you want to wake up in the morning to watch my eyes closed

To feel my deep breath and to hear the sound of my heart beat

So you pull me to your chest and walk your hand through my hair

And feel my heart beat just the same time that yours beat and you love it

I love it too so i stay longer to listen to these two beats take turns

A musical emanates from this and escalates to another world

A world of silence...heavy breathes...scuffling sheets and heavy moans

I love the silent conversations that tell you do this, go here, touch that

Or i like it when you breath here...i love it when you swish your fingers there

Or take it slow...a little bit faster...stop right there...hold your breath

Oh then you toss me over and pull me closer and we start all over

Till we get home...yes we ride till we get right at home

Hey you from the other end of the line

If you do not like the silkiness of my upper garments or

You feel the jeans to rough on your skin...tear every little piece

Till nothing is left but shreds of fabric strewn all over the floor

Make me your slave and cuff me by your side...till you die

I will serve you in the morning in garments of flimsy nets ...oh

And i will give you every bit of my chocolate skin...take it, relish it

I will be at your service when the sun hits noon...you just have to call

And i will wait for you when the stars and the moon fill the sky

Serve you like the king that you are... at your feet...on my knees

Then you will adore me like the queen I am, walk me down the streets

Holding my hand high into the air you will tell the city to call me her highness

Alley after alley...cross over bridges...between stretched plantations

When my feet hurt from the walk, you lift me, carry me in your arm

Take me home, warm a bath, glide me gently in, roll your sleeves, wash down every dirt 

Hey you from the other end of the line

Don’t go just yet i still want a few more minutes with you

Let me tell you about you...how you make me feel...give me a minute

When you pick the phone and say hello, i listen to the sound before that

That sound of the connection just before you breathe your first and say hello

I can hear your heart beating so fast running towards my own and then I receive it

Then mine begins in heavy stagnant thuds like drums beaten by  heavy wood

Then you say your first hello, i can see your eyes gazing at the wall 

You have posed  your screen to that of me laughing in the air

My eyes are shut,my teeth are exposed, like maize seeds on a cob and my gap

The tiny space separates the upper middle teeth exposing my dark gums how you like

Your eyes locked onto little details of my shrubby hair to my neck

Then i say hello...you respond with a raspy laughter then a grin 

Can i see you tonight? You ask even though you know too well that you need not to

I am looking at your picture too...the hairs that cover the sides of your face

I love the way you smile, slightly, just enough for me to know that it is because of me

So you can put the phone down and come make me happy, i am waiting....