The Morning After...

It is a cold July morning

A thin film of wind penetrates into the room

I am covered in heavy blankets to the head

Just enough opening left to breathe

The squared space that is my room, now empty

Was full of your laughters the nights before

But now a drenching silence culminates it

The brick walls suddenly feel like the inside of a freezer

No amount of warm clothing keeps me warm

My mind wriggles and jiggles with endless thought

I can almost see the atoms that form the light bulb

It glares back at me with a cold shoulder, something like

Do you ever listen woman?

My eyes blink a little and my face hardens

A warm tear pierces my lashes and streams down

I sit still and let the rest of it flow

It was good every night, every morning too

But not today...

I can almost hear the soft pads of your feet in the room

A tray in your hands and a million dollar smile

‘wakey wakey time for breakfast!’

I pull the blankets over my head and groan a bit

You jump into the bed and squeeze your arms around me

‘You know you look beautiful in the morning’

I open my eyes half way and wring a smile

But not today...

A tiny little hand stretches from the side of the bed

Then a head follows a jolly face and then a voice yells

‘Mama come get my breakfast’

We are just three since you last heard of us

He looks so much like you, it drains me

He has your eyes, big, wide and beautiful

He has your voice, the same one that charmed my heart

The same one that dragged me from my rambling marriage

Right through your door, into your cotton sheets and then

Towed me night after night into your loins

Then he happened!

One cold July just like today, he happened

It started with a slight headache, then no appetite ,weakness

My head felt like a whirl wind, going over and over

I checked my calendar, two weeks gone since code red

I panicked!

With my shaky feet and sweaty palms I saw the doctor

I was not sure how to take it, so i gave the news to you

Sometimes i wish you could have tried to pretend

Feign a little joy until you set your eyes on me

Then you can drop every horrid line of anger on me

‘Are you kidding me, girl you are married’

‘Just one week with me and then this’

‘I have a wedding in a month you cannot do this’

‘What will i even tell my fiancé if I may ask’

‘You have got to tell that asshole to man up’

You went on till your voice sounded like a maize milling machine

Have you ever stared at pain and laughed so hard

Have you ever spoken to pain or reasoned with pain?

But wait, have you ever bought pain a gift

Just so you can buy it off to stop torturing you

‘But you said you loved me’ that was pain talking

‘You said i only had to call’ that was pain trying

‘You said you always wanted a baby with me’

That must have been the shut down moment

For there was a sudden thunderstorm in my brain

Then a lightening that came down with heavy showers

I was soaked to heart and wet to the bone

I know you are eager to hear about the marriage

It has been three years since i used his name

He was standing by the bathroom door

Word after word he heard me say

Your drill and shrill of a voice did not escape him

When i wanted so badly for someone to hold my arm

He stood and watched as pain weakened my body

He listened every night to my apologies without talk

It tore my heart into pellets and chocked my being

I stared at my phone all day and all night

Maybe you would change your mind and call

I have waited and still I do wait for I know you will never call

Maybe some day

But not today...

I put a brave face for him because he makes me

I know someday he will understand all this

But sometimes it feels as if he already does

I love how he cuddles into the blankets with me

When he smiles it’s like twinkle little stars hang in the room

His eyes have a glow that makes being with him a flow

He warms my heart in cold nights like today

And I love to watch him sleep after reading to him

He will never be like either of you

He will not be sterile and blame it on his woman

He will not make a woman pregnant and walk away

I will teach him every little detail about love

I am not sure it ever chanced your mind to know love

I am not certain either of you had a soul or a heart

But i look forward to better days

My morning afters are different now

After days of work and watching him grow we fall asleep

Son then mama and we tuck into each other

We protect each other and love every moment of it

We wake up to better days and better choices

For lessons can only be learnt once and lived forever.